Tactical OPER-HUMOR-ATION

Since the president of the USA, Barack Obama, decided to call my country a “national threat”, I got scared, as much of the population within my country. Because I am not related to anything in terms of army, munitions, destruction or war, I do not believe that I am going to be really helpful for my country, in a surreal war against “the Yankee Empire.”

But, what I can do, for real, is to offer myself as a voluntary translator, after the poor neurolinguistic situation that, as Venezuelan, we are dealing with. Taking into account that the youth do not know how to write, how to speak, how to behave politely and being a literate man, if someone tells you that is coming to your nation to destroy you at least you want to expect your people to understand that the situation is not easy to handle.

From speaking to writing, I am ready to stand up and fight against the power. Knowledge, discussion, jokes, bad jokes, a good translation, a bad translation, uses of sayings, fucking phrasal verbs, all these are my weapons against anyone who wants to defeat me.

The first step that I took, would be (actually I would say…)

: “-Rrrruuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, gringos are cominnnng!!!”  (Of course, If I saw them coming…to me).

Now, since the living in Venezuela is being difficult to handle, because of economic and political reasons, our dear president Nickolas Maduro needs to understand that, for anyone who is not a military or connected to military issues, salary (whether regular payment or lower) is not enough to make it.

That is why, as Venezuelan, you have to look for a second way to make some money. This, without being the most loyal citizen of your nation or the highest traitor of your land…within your land.

In order to make it through my current situation (no money in my pocket), I would like to offer my services as a Spanish middle class translator, to any American who does not understand a shit about my beloved Venezuela. I am honest about this, a middle class service, because…after the first shot I heard…, I will go out running (Obviously).

But do not worry, my president. After playing Counter Strike 1.6 for so long, watching Die Hard (I,II,III AND IV) the whole 007 collection and Taken (again…I, II and III), I am ready, as a patriot that I am ,to do my intelligence high-level work. Doing horrible translations, taking them to empty supermarkets to make them suffer, as the other half of the population that suffer with “desabastecimiento” AND DO NOT SUPPORT YOU, MY PRESIDENT.

 I would say, as a possible strategy (my own counter-attack movement!):

1)      –I am sorry! There is no water! (And I would give them gasoline, a.k.a “gas”, instead of whiskey).

2)      -I am sorry! There is no pancakes! (and I would give them “casabe” for breakfast)

3)      –I am sorry! This is it! (And I would explain to them that, there is no relation at all with the Michael Jackson’s movie but, there’s no products itself, because of lack of production in my nation).

4)      –I am sorry! There is no off (mosquitoes repellent) and I would take them to lakes, rivers, pipes, riachuelos, canals where Chikungunya’s sickness, as a national action weapon, would neutralize, at least for three weeks any American movement, against my land, dear president.

5)      I am sorry! Only Meridiano Television! (I would tell them that only THAT cannel broadcast Major League Baseball).

6)      I’m sorry, but that is a two- way Street! (Since the holes in the whole road-system in Venezuela, because Venezuelan drivers suffer about them, too.)

7)      –But is true, sorry! (Because of OpenEnglish courses and Wachu- the main character in those commercials on TV- I would tell them that, it is a plan from CIA- which marines did not know- to make Venezuelan society poorest, according to their fucking prices).

8)       “-Yes, I am Chavez and you are Chavez, too!” I am sorry. (I would say that this is a lie, the ex-president died and that, it is only a mental strategy to make them think about “Chavez is alive” and hidden at some MERCAL –like Osama Bin Laden in Irak, before he was found and murdered).

9)      –I am sorry! But “this is my English, is not very good looking” (as Celia Cruz said long time ago! Thank you!)

10)  –I am sorry! But destroy the piiiiiiiccctureeeeeessss!!!! (I would tell them that any poster related to presidential elections, major campaigns, senators and so on… are a secret military code  from Venezuelan army to indicate enemies’ location. Of course, this is bullshit!!! But walls and buildings across the country would be cleaner than ever).

11)  –I am sorry! Pay attention! No! Pay attention! (When you, as president of Venezuela, would put on air you national transmissions, I would tell them that there are subliminal messages within it. So they would be listen four, even five hours of your transmissions, as Venezuelan population itself).

12)   –I am sorry! That is not a real mission! (I would tell them that eeeeeeevery mission, it is a social program and no missions at all, as military or religious one are known around the world).

13)  –I am sorry! I do not know! (when they asked me about food supplies to find)

14)  “-I do not know!” (When they told me that they need medical supplies).

15)  “-I do not know!” (When they needed good translators).

16)  –Look for in Panama! (I know that they are good Venezuelan translators over there).

17)  “-I do not know!” (When they needed to solve any problem related to the “Sistema Marginal de Divisas”)

18)  -Fuck you, bitch! (Since I really would not know how to solve any problem related to the “Sistema Marginal de Divisas”)

19)  ”) -“That is a virus!” (I would tell them that, since the recording of Hugo Chavez’s voice within our national anthem, played -unfortunately- at every institution controlled by the government, that “version” is a virus created by the Venezuelan Government to attack any imperial computer which would like to use our online-Venezuelan connection  service. Of course, this is bullshit! But they would get really scared)

You see.. my plan…my effort, my word, my translation.. to help my nation to survive against the attack of the “empire”…and you? What would be your movement? Your tactical humor-peration?

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