Since the president of the USA, Barack Obama, decided
to call my country a “national threat”, I got scared, as much of the population
within my country. Because I am not related to anything in terms of army, munitions,
destruction or war, I do not believe that I am going to be really helpful for
my country, in a surreal war against “the Yankee Empire.”
But, what I can do, for real, is to offer myself as a
voluntary translator, after the poor neurolinguistic situation that, as Venezuelan,
we are dealing with. Taking into account that the youth do not know how to
write, how to speak, how to behave politely and being a literate man, if
someone tells you that is coming to your nation to destroy you at least you
want to expect your people to understand that the situation is not easy to
handle.
From speaking to writing, I am ready to stand up and
fight against the power. Knowledge, discussion, jokes, bad jokes, a good
translation, a bad translation, uses of sayings, fucking phrasal verbs, all
these are my weapons against anyone who wants to defeat me.
The first step that I took, would be (actually I would
say…)
: “-Rrrruuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, gringos are
cominnnng!!!” (Of course, If I saw them
coming…to me).
Now, since the living in Venezuela is being difficult
to handle, because of economic and political reasons, our dear president
Nickolas Maduro needs to understand that, for anyone who is not a military or
connected to military issues, salary (whether regular payment or lower) is not
enough to make it.
That is why, as Venezuelan, you have to look for a
second way to make some money. This, without being the most loyal citizen of
your nation or the highest traitor of your land…within your land.
In order to make it through my current situation (no
money in my pocket), I would like to offer my services as a Spanish middle
class translator, to any American who does not understand a shit about my
beloved Venezuela. I am honest about this, a middle class service,
because…after the first shot I heard…, I will go out running (Obviously).
But do not worry, my president. After playing Counter Strike 1.6 for so long, watching
Die Hard (I,II,III AND IV) the whole
007 collection and Taken (again…I, II
and III), I am ready, as a patriot that I am ,to do my intelligence high-level
work. Doing horrible translations, taking them to empty supermarkets to make
them suffer, as the other half of the population that suffer with “desabastecimiento”
AND DO NOT SUPPORT YOU, MY PRESIDENT.
I would say, as
a possible strategy (my own counter-attack movement!):
1)
–I
am sorry! There is no water! (And I would give them gasoline, a.k.a “gas”,
instead of whiskey).
2)
-I
am sorry! There is no pancakes! (and I would give them “casabe” for breakfast)
3)
–I
am sorry! This is it! (And I would explain to them that, there is no relation
at all with the Michael Jackson’s movie but, there’s no products itself,
because of lack of production in my nation).
4)
–I
am sorry! There is no off (mosquitoes
repellent) and I would take them to lakes, rivers, pipes, riachuelos, canals
where Chikungunya’s sickness, as a national action weapon, would neutralize, at
least for three weeks any American movement, against my land, dear president.
5)
I
am sorry! Only Meridiano Television!
(I would tell them that only THAT cannel broadcast Major League Baseball).
6)
I’m
sorry, but that is a two- way Street! (Since the holes in the whole road-system
in Venezuela, because Venezuelan drivers suffer about them, too.)
7)
–But
is true, sorry! (Because of OpenEnglish courses
and Wachu- the main character in
those commercials on TV- I would tell them that, it is a plan from CIA- which
marines did not know- to make Venezuelan society poorest, according to their
fucking prices).
8)
“-Yes, I am Chavez and you are Chavez, too!” I am
sorry. (I would say that this is a lie, the ex-president died and that, it is
only a mental strategy to make them think about “Chavez is alive” and hidden at
some MERCAL –like Osama Bin Laden in Irak, before he was found and murdered).
9)
–I
am sorry! But “this is my English, is not very good looking” (as Celia Cruz
said long time ago! Thank you!)
10) –I am sorry! But destroy the
piiiiiiiccctureeeeeessss!!!! (I would tell them that any poster related to
presidential elections, major campaigns, senators and so on… are a secret
military code from Venezuelan army to
indicate enemies’ location. Of course, this is bullshit!!! But walls and
buildings across the country would be cleaner than ever).
11) –I am sorry! Pay attention! No! Pay attention! (When
you, as president of Venezuela, would put on air you national transmissions, I
would tell them that there are subliminal messages within it. So they would be
listen four, even five hours of your transmissions, as Venezuelan population
itself).
12) –I am sorry! That
is not a real mission! (I would tell them that eeeeeeevery mission, it is a
social program and no missions at all, as military or religious one are known
around the world).
13) –I am sorry! I do not know! (when they asked me about
food supplies to find)
14) “-I do not know!” (When they told me that they need
medical supplies).
15) “-I do not know!” (When they needed good translators).
16) –Look for in Panama! (I know that they are good
Venezuelan translators over there).
17) “-I do not know!” (When they needed to solve any
problem related to the “Sistema Marginal de Divisas”)
18) -Fuck you, bitch! (Since I really would not know how
to solve any problem related to the “Sistema Marginal de Divisas”)
19) ”) -“That is a virus!” (I would tell them that, since
the recording of Hugo Chavez’s voice within our national anthem, played -unfortunately-
at every institution controlled by the government, that “version” is a virus
created by the Venezuelan Government to attack any imperial computer which
would like to use our online-Venezuelan connection service. Of course, this is bullshit! But they
would get really scared)
You see.. my plan…my effort, my word, my translation..
to help my nation to survive against the attack of the “empire”…and you? What would
be your movement? Your tactical humor-peration?
